Anouther quiet day, Lets see.... what did I do... well.. OH! I woke up and spent almost an hour on my phone doomscrolling, only more proof that this dumbphone idea will make my life better, hating hating hating on twitter and discord and the draw it has on me, I feel compelled. My dad left on a week long motercycle trip today, I havent called him yet but the service is surely somewhat spotty, so I'm not missing much. Besides that? well, this morning I had a phone call with a grad school applications advisor to see how applicible I might be to certain programs. I've missed the fall deadline, but I can still apply for the spring! which would also let me get some job experience under my belt. In that same vein I sent some emails out to my previous advisors for letters of reccomendation. After that I had to check my old school email to find my transcript.. ah.. that was my day. Abbie.
Abbie emailed me somewhat recently (have her blocked on everything else) with three things, 1: she said she was sorry about the way she had acted previously, I appreciated this. 2: she asked if I knew anyone in the cleaveland area,I do not. 3rd, she said she was going to therapy, and 4th.. she reaffirmed she meant every word she said in the last text. I realize I shouldn't have responded, but I felt so awful like I was doing more harm if I did not, so I did, I told her just that I am sorry I do not know anyone, good luck with your job situation. Yet still, this situation with her has hurt me so much, the things she said in the last text keep up at night, her words actually etched into my brain. it hurts, so deeply, how little it seemed she cared about me that she would go out of her way to harm me so, am I truely that dispicable? that disgusting? I dont understand. Everything reminds me of her, its to the point she has become a fear in my brain. She is so deeply engrained in me I dont know what to do.I truely just wanted us to go our seperate ways, why, why wont she allow that. I truely never meant to hurt her. I feel like I'm going crazy. am I being selfish? am I the one in the wrong with all this? I don't think so but my brain wont let it go, and the pit in my stomach whenever I think of her wont leave. I don't know what to do. I'll get over it eventually I hope, until then I will keep moving forward.
other than that I did do a bit of practice driving, which was always nice. and my fangs are soon to arrive, so that will be fun. But overall I feel somewhat with life right now, I need to start doing something constructive with my time, something has to fill this void, I just dont know what yet. The days are blendining together and its making it diffictult to even journal, as my thoughts sort of just drift from one thing to the next, with no real congruent thoughts, its certainly not all doom and gloom, but I have felt a noticible decrease in my mood because of it, though today much of that was attributed to abbie. I will continue to journal, I will continue to read, I even started animal crossing wild world today, which is also very fun. I think maybe I just need a job. It cant hurt to have structure. I worry I'm sounding too negative haha, but I dont know what else to say today. Tommorow will be a new day.