Hello! Less hungover me here, its been a pretty ok day, very quiet, but I felt alright about it. A short run down ahead: After my blog post from this morning, I went ahead and cleaned my room and took a shower. While taking my shower today, I realized that there was a huge spider above my head living right above my shower head! I was initially freaked out, but after realizing how docile it was, I realized that it wasnt anything to worry about. Moreover, it seemed to have some babies AND was eating all the months that got into my room through the various knooks and crannies, I've taken to calling her samuletta. While she is a little scary, I think I will let her and her spawn be to hopefully be my generational pest control! After my shower, I helped get the groceries put away before heading out to my grandparents, I wanted to drive to get some more practice in, but my mother was insistent she drove at least up as she worried I still might be under the influence after last night, so be it. While I was up there, I said hi to the folks, helped pick the garden clean of japanese beetles, and then chilled out with poco, my aunts dog, and the grandparents. Then we left around 1:45 to get home before my dad woke up. This time I did drive, which was nice for the practice. After I got home, I wanted to take a nap, but I forgot to set a timer!! I ended up sleeping until 6:30ish. Brutal. And here we are! I did, as promised, pick out a new book to read, this time it's one called Blue Highways. I'll talk about it as I read for sure.
While today was quiet, I actually did not feel negative about it at all, I don't exactly know why that is though, as I did not accomplish really any of my piano or reeding or any of those goals. I wonder if it sa disconnect between the fact I went out. But I also propose another reason; that being that it was never about the piano. this seems like a "yeah duh" moment wherein yeah its not about the piano, its about the idea that you wanted to do something interesting with your time. Regardless, I think while the piano is one facit, I think what I mean to say is that I want to do an hour of SOMETHING creative. This I know I can accomplish. Something else I was thinking about today while I was killing japanese beetles today is sadism in the human brain. This may seem a sort of wild thing to say, but I realized while I was beheading the 300th or so beetle that I was acheiving some sort of enjoyment from the action, it shocked me so badly I actually had to stop the activity and think about why I was feeling that way. Although I'm not positive as to why I was feeling this way, this is obviously NOT a good feeling, and something that I look very poorly upon myself for. Killing japanese beetles is needed, they are invasive and harmful to the naitive wildlife, but it is be a necessary evil and not something to take joy out of doing. The beetle did not ask to be invasive, nor did it ask to be born, it does not deserve my ire anymore than any other being simply trying to live. There are a lot of necessary evils in life, to eat we must harm, I do have to take from the world to stay alive, but i want it to be something I do out of necessity and not because I enjoy it. I want to be a kinder person, not just to people, but to everything alive. I don't think of myself as a sadistic person, but regardless the thought made me uneasy today, something to think about for sure.
This sort of thinking about the world extends to other topics as well. Importantly, I'd like to recontextualize exactly why I want to play the piano or draw or do any of those things. I believe that there are 2 main driving forces. 1: I want to do interesting things to create, I enjoy creating and like being able to accrue interesting skills. and 2: I want to be seen from other people as interesting and worthwhile. it is this second goal that I would like to shake. There isn't anything inherently wrong with the deisre to learn soemthing for be seen as interesting to others. But I do think that for me, I hope to shift my thinking to doing these things because *I* want too, regardless of any societal clout it may net me. I think many of my goals align in that way, I would like to start being a better person because I want to be better, not because it will make me look better in the public eye. I think I am finally on this path. I really do.
I also rewatched american pyscho today, truthfully a really good movie, one of my favorites. I don't think I have a whole lot to say on it right now, but I will say I do think he killed paul allen lol
Grandparents house
my grandfather
Samuletta the spider